Sarah Burningham: Teen Author

Best Ever Graduation Talks

With graduation for most senior classes looming (and in some cases, already done) I thought it would be good to compile some of my all-time favorite commencement addresses. And while most of these are for college students, any high school grad will appreciate them:

• Author Anna Quindlen's talk at Villanova became a bestselling book, A Short Guide to a Happy Life (worth buying).

• Daily Show host Jon Stewart spoke at his alma mater, William & Mary, in 2004 and it was pretty funny.

• Another Comedy Central star, Stephen Colbert, spoke to Knox College and had them laughing, too.

• And I can't forget writer Stephen King, who delivered this very tongue-in-cheek talk to University of Maine students in 2005.

Any others I should know about?

Ask Sarah B - You Ask, I Answer - Questions from Real Teenagers

Here's your weekly Ask Sarah B sesh. Remember if you want to ask a question and get some advice, you can email me at: AskSarahB@gmail.com

Question:
I have a question. Ok. I'm a twin and my mom always makes us do the same things.
Even if one of us wants to do something and the other doesn't want to, she makes both of us do it.
Plus, my younger sister gets her own room while we have to share just because we're twins.
Really the only thing that we do separately is birthday parties. What should I do?

- Jeanette

Sarah Says:
Dear Jeanette,
I'm so glad you wrote. I think a lot of twins go through the same thing you are going through and they aren't sure what to do. Your question is definitely an important one!
 

I think parents tend to keep twins together because it's easy. You know, they changed your diapers together, and fed you together, so in their minds, it makes sense to keep you doing the same things as you get older. Only, it doesn't really make sense, because as you get older you become very different people - and that's a good thing! I'm sure you love your twin for all the things she does and loves that you don't.

 

I think it's going to take some time and be a process to get your mom to respect you both as individuals. So, let's get it started already!

 

The first thing you need to do is talk to your twin and see how she feels about all this. Does she feel the same way? If so, you're on the same page and that will help when you talk to your mom.

 

Once you've talked with your twin sister, then you need to sit down with your mom. I know it might be tempting to do this with your twin since you are in this together, but I think it will be better to actually talk to your mom alone. You can each have a conversation with her to talk about why exactly you want some space and what it is that you are interested. If you present yourself alone, your mom will have to talk to you about you - not you and your twin. It will be a good opportunity for you to say exactly what you're thinking. And it's a good chance for your twin to have a moment, too.

 

When you talk with your mom, give her some examples of what you want to have happen. Do you want to get your own room? If there are enough rooms in the house, suggest that summer is a perfect time to move rooms. Or, if there aren't enough rooms, maybe you can each decorate your side with things that you love so you don't feel like you're living in a "twin area."

 

And what about clothes and summer camp? It's ok to dress differently and to want to go to the basketball summer camp if that's what you're good at. But your sister may want to do tennis. Talk to your mom about what you enjoy and offer some ways to make those things happen. It's all about staying calm and doing your research.

 

I think you're going to do great - let me know what your mom says and remember that this is probably going to be an ongoing conversation with your mom and your twin. Even if your mom is all about having you two be individuals, she might need some gentle reminding every once in a while. After all, she's been doing the twin thing as long as you have!

 

Good luck!
xoxo
Sarah B

**Note: the names of all teenagers in the "Ask Sarah B" section have been changed to protect individual's privacy

Financially Savvy Teens are Taking Over

The economy is tanking. Not to sound depressing or anything, but gas is a freaking fortune and milk for my beloved Quaker Oatmeal Squares is ridiculously expense. (Note: If you haven't tried Oatmeal Squares, then you should. They come in a blue box.)

I find is particularly interesting that in this time of financial worry, there are so many articles on parents talking to their teens about money. It shows that money is a big concern for people right now and I think it's a good thing for you to learn some financial tricks now, because soon you'll be in college and at some point you will be faced with the decision how to spend the last $15 in your wallet--buying a book for a class or ordering pizza. (I was there more often than I like to admit and while I usually went for the book, I did order pizza a few times.) Here are my favorite articles and a few tidbits of advice from them:

• The Deseret News (Salt Lake City) this article is the best one I read...It says, a recent Charles "Schwab survey showed that 71 percent of parents think the best way for teens to learn about money is from guided, hands-on experience or from a parent's example, but few involve their teens in family budgeting and spending decisions. In fact, the survey said parents were more likely to teach their teens how to do laundry (70 percent) and how to cook (68 percent) than how to regularly save money (54 percent), how to budget money (49 percent) and how to pay bills (43 percent)." Basically, your parents want you to understand money but aren't giving you a real chance to learn about it. You should definitely be more involved, even if it's just by an occasional trip to the grocery store to see how much your fam's food costs.
• Omaha World-Herald has great advice that gives teens a little more control over what they're learning financially. "Give children the opportunity to make financial decisions with a little guidance at first, said Kay Kruger, a teacher at Gordon-Rushville High School." I love this because if you're earning money at a summer job or something, you should have a say in how you spend it. Not to mention, you're the one who's stuck penniless when the money's gone!
• The Statesman (in India! - even other country's are teaching their kids about cash) This article is all about pocket money and allowances and how much is enough. I'm fascinated that it's basically the same discussion as you would find in your hometown.
• The Akron Beacon Journal (Ohio) says to "involve your teenagers in devising a plan to save for their college fund." This is a good one because your parents probably talk to you so much about getting into a good college that you might as well look at not only what grades you have to have, but what kind of cash, when you're deciding where you really want to go. I mean, hey, you're involved in every other step of the college application process. Starting to create a financial plan should be part of it.

What's the best financial advice you're ever gotten? Are you good with money or does it burn holes in your pocket?

Prom on a Budget

The theme for my senior prom was "Angel." Now, I appreciate all the effort the senior class officers put into planning a great prom, but Angel? Really? If my date (and then boyfriend) would've called me angel I would've puked all over my burgundy dress.

It was based on that Sarah McLachlan song, appropriately titled Angel (duh) and we had it at the State Capitol building. It was a gorgeous setting, marble pillars and staircases, and the dance floor was under the rotunda. But I didn't appreciate my date reminding me that the capitol building wasn't at all earthquake proof. During the most romantic dance of the night, I was envisioning the rotunda collapsing on the entire senior class of Skyline High School in a pile of bricks.

Not to say I didn't have a good time. And I think the best part was that I went with a really fun guy and great group. We didn't spend a fortune - no limos - but did pool together money to rent out a small gym so after the dance we could play racketball and swim and run wild through the locker rooms. (Ok, our dates pooled the money together, but I happen to know it didn't cost them their arms and legs.)

We knew other kids who rented hot air balloons, reserved full movie theaters, and spent more money than I can imagine trying to make their proms a "night to remember." And really, I think it's a waste of perfectly good, hard-earned cash. Since when does prom night have to be "the best night of your life?" And why would anyone want to spend every penny in their bank account on one night? Especially when you read articles like this one about programs that help kids who's parents can't afford to hand over the credit card (note: mine probably could've, but definitely weren't willing to and they were smart not to). I love the idea that this program is helping girls who's parents are unemployed get prom dresses. Prom shouldn't be something that only "well off" people get to experience. 

So, I guess what I'm saying, is before you get caught up in the insanity that can be prom, think about all the other things you'd rather spend $200 on other than dinner for four at the fanciest restaurant you know. And remember that creativity is worth a lot more than a limo. The best dance I ever went to was in the fall and after we left the actual dance, we went laser-tagging. $10 a person for an hour of serious fun. (And a great way to flirt!) Now that's how prom should be. It doesn't take a ton of cash to have a good time.

The Secret Lives of Teenagers

Whenever I read a headline that says something like "The Secret Lives of Teenagers," I'm tempted to roll my eyes a little. Not because I don't think teenagers have secrets, but because usually a headline this is an attempt to dramatize the bad decisions of a few teenagers and makes parents panics that their totally normal teenager is on drugs or something like that. The truth is, most teenagers are pretty good kids and it drives me crazy how they can get a generalized bad rap in media.

Anyway, I was thinking all these things when I saw this article titled The Secret Lives of Teenagers (of course). But, I was happily surprised when I started reading it.

Even though the article starts off saying that communication is a problem between parents and teens (hello, that why I wrote my book!), it actually has some very promising and comforting stats.

A few highlights:

• The study shows that more than 70 per cent of teenagers think their parents accept them as they are, sense when they are upset, understand what they are going through, respect their feelings and trust their judgment. (That's a huge number! Way to go to all those parents who inspire that kind of trust from their teenagers.)
• Teenagers are not always likely to confide in parents, with only around 50 per cent saying they "almost always" or "often" talk with parents about troubles or difficulties. (The truth is, you don't have to confide everything in your parents. Yes, they need to know the basics, but sometimes it's ok to process things on your own before you talk to a friend or parent. And usually, after you've given yourself some time to think about things in your own mind, you can find your own solution. I would just say that when something dangerous or scary is happening, this is definitely a time to talk to your mom or dad.)

Really, teenagers today are smart, thoughtful, and generally have good heads on their shoulders. You guys pretty much rock. Now, if we can just spread the word to major media... (I'm working on it.)

My interview with the Seattle Post-Intelligencer

While I was on book tour, I got to speak to a bunch of high school and junior high students in all different cities about how to deal with their parents. Let me just say, these were by far the best events I did. The teenagers had the best questions and we had really good talks. They basically became like chat sessions instead of lectures. (Which is by far how I prefer them. Who wants to just sit and listen to some random person talk for an hour?)

At one school just outside of Seattle, a reporter and photographer came with me and took pictures while I talked. I'm usually pretty calm under pressure, but seriously, having a reporter take your picture while you're speaking is so nerve-wracking! Anyway, the article turned out great - it ran last Friday in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

One quick story, I actually drove out to the event with the reporter, a super nice guy named Paul Nyhan. (He really is one of the most genuinely nice reporters I've ever met.) He wanted us to have time to talk before I actually started speaking at the school, because I wasn't going to be able to answer his questions then, you know? So, anyway, he picked me up at my hotel and we started driving. But after 3 minutes in the car, he turned to me and said, "Do you want to drive?"

I need to explain a little something here. I am an excellent driver. Really, only one accident in 13 years of having my license. But...that being said, I don't have a car. I live in New York City and we don't drive anywhere. So it's been years since I've driven a lot. I only drive when we go on vacation and even then, Grant usually drives. (I prefer to sit shotgun and rule the radio.)

So, when Paul asked me to drive I started to laugh a little. I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. He needed to take notes, he said, and couldn't do it while he was driving. And then he pulled over so we could trade spots!

I thought I might start to hyperventilate. Not only was I going to drive a reporter (who was in the process of interviewing me) but I was going to drive HIS car in a city I wasn't that familiar with. Waaaaa! I tried to keep my cool. I put my seatbelt on, adjusted the mirror and went for it. And you know what, it all turned out ok. We got to the school in one piece. But I swear, when we finally parked, it was like I could breathe again. Thank goodness I didn't wreck his car!!

Ask Sarah B - You Ask, I Answer - Questions from Real Teenagers

Here's your weekly Ask Sarah B sesh. Remember if you want to ask a question and get some advice, you can email me at: AskSarahB@gmail.com

Question:
My best friend broke up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago and he just asked our other friend to go out with him. And our other friend said yes! So my one friend is all upset that she's betraying her friendship and the other friend says she really likes the guy but how can she if he was with our other friend for so long? I'm stuck in the middle and I don't want to pick sides. What should I do?

- Mia

Sarah Says:
Dear Mia,
Feeling stuck in the middle of two friends is a terrible feeling - especially because you care about both friends and it's hard to see them fight. Not wanting to pick sides is definitely the right way to go - this is a problem between your two friends and doesn't involve you. You're smart to stay out of it.

That being said, both friends might be trying to drag you into it by talking about the other friend behind her back or asking you to be the go-between. Try to avoid any gossiping and if you get stuck in a situation where you feel like you're getting pulled into it, stop the conversation. You can do this by saying something flat out, like, "I don't know - I don't want to get in the middle," or you can divert the conversation by sending a text to another friend about something totally different or suggesting that the two of you go do something like see a movie. Sometimes a diversion is the best tactic because it changes the direction of the conversation completely.

I can tell you're a good friend just by your email. I know it's hard when friendships go through rough times but you can do it. If one of your friend's pushes you to side against the other, remind her that you're there for her, but that you can be a good friend to both of them.

Good luck!

xoxo
Sarah B

**Note: the names of all teenagers in the "Ask Sarah B" section have been changed to protect individual's privacy

Ask Sarah B - You Ask, I Answer - Questions from Real Teenagers

Here's your weekly Ask Sarah B sesh. Remember if you want to ask a question and get some advice, you can email me at: AskSarahB@gmail.com

Question:
Prom is in 2 weeks and my parents are making me come home at midnight. That's my regular curfew! Everyone else is staying at this girl's cabin and they won't let me. How can I get them to let me go?

- Ellie

Sarah Says:
Dear Ellie,
Prom is definitely a special occasion so I can understand why you're upset that your parents won't at least extend your curfew. But you still have two weeks and that's plenty of time to try and work out a compromise with them.

Do they know the guy who asked you? If not, then the first thing you should do is introduce them. Have the guy meet you at your house before you go hang out or study so you can casually have him meet your parents (no pressure on them or him). For parents, knowing who their daughter is going to be hanging out with all night is a big deal. It's part of the trust issue.

Once they've met the guy and can see that he's decent (he is, right? If not, you can definitely get a better date!), you need to sit down for a heart-to-heart. Lay out exactly what your prom plans are - what time you'd get picked up, where you'd go to dinner, and who would be in your group. Ask them why they don't want to give you a later curfew? Is it because they don't want you going to the cabin? Or because they're worried about you driving so late? Figure it out so you can address their concerns directly.

Then, suggest some alternatives. Maybe you can go to the cabin for a few hours and they'd be willing to pick you up. I know that's not staying but at least you'd get some chill time. Or maybe they'd at least give you an extra hour if you offer to help them out with some extra chores. Offer to trade - after all, this is important to you!

I hope that gives you a few ideas. If you still don't get anywhere, this might be one of those situations when you resort to begging, but I think your parents will listen to you if you keep cool and are willing to compromise.

I hope you have a great time at prom! Let me know how it goes.
xoxo
Sarah B

**Note: the names of all teenagers in the "Ask Sarah B" section have been changed to protect individual's privacy

Girl Worth Getting to Know - Kayte Gyles

I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world because I get to meet some really, really cool teenagers - and 18-year-old Kayte Gyles is one of them.

I met Kayte and her parents when they were in New York last month visiting from British Columbia, Canada. If you met Kaye today, you would be impressed with her sense of humor and boundless energy, that fact that she's a competitive curler, and how much she loves her dog. But what you wouldn't know is that Kayte is also a cancer survivor and she's about to shave her head again, this time to help other people dealing with cancer.

We had so much fun hanging out and Kayte is such an incredible person, that I wanted you all to get to know her, too.

SB: Even though you look great with a shaved head, you didn't do it for a fashion statement (at least not at first!). Tell us why you did it.
KG: Well, I went bald for the first time last year when I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I was diagnosed twenty days before my seventeenth birthday and my chemotherapy caused me to lose my hair. I actually ended up shaving my head the day after my birthday because I wanted some control over the cancer.

Now, I’m going bald for a second time. It’s been nine months since my last chemotherapy and I have some hair, not a lot. I’m going to be shaving it on April 26th (that's tomorrow!) for a fund raiser called Balding for Dollars. (Donate to support Kayte and her cancer awareness efforts!) It’s an amazing organization that does so many great things! Balding For Dollars helps families who financially struggle with all the extras. They hold teen adventure camps where we can just be ourselves and be comfortable with who we are. They have great camps for the younger children and for their families and they have started a teen support group that meets once a month. I can personally say that its one of the greatest things ever!

SB: It's pretty cool that you're out there raising money and awareness for other people. How else do you keep busy?
KG: Well, when I’m not bugging friends or family to donate, or help out with something cancer related, you can find me either on a curling rink or curled up on my couch with my laptop and my dog, Willow, writing. Sometimes I am out with my camera because I love photography!

SB: What was your first thought after your own cancer diagnosis?
KG: Well, my first thought when they told me that I had cancer was along the lines of, Oh S*#@!  But honestly, I wasn’t shocked. I’ve always been a kid who hasn’t been too healthy and there was always a part of me that thought one day I might have cancer, and it turned out, I was right!

SB: How do you think having cancer changed your relationship with your parents?
KG: My parents and I have always been really close, but cancer definitely made us closer. I became a child again and the things that were usually considered pretty easy definitely weren’t for me. My mom had to help me change, shower, and there was a time she even had to help me shave my armpits! Then when my mom wasn’t around my dad would have to help me walk back and forth from the bathroom and any sense of privacy was definitely lost.

SB: Tell us a little about competitive curling. (Kayte's quite an athlete.) How did you first get into it?
KG: I started curling five years ago when my parents told me that they wanted me to do something physical and they thought I would love curling. I personally wanted nothing to do with it! I thought curling was only for nerds and at the time I didn’t want to admit that I truly was a nerd. (SB: For the record, nerds are cool.)

Beginning curling was not a very fun experience for me! I was awful and there were some days that I wanted to quit and I even had a few coaches tell me that I should, but that’s what gave me the drive to do better. By Christmas, I was absolutely in love with the sport and all my presents had something to do with curling.

In these past five years, my team and I have gone to 3 provincial championships and curling is definitely a dream that will never die for me. Curling is my number one passion and I know that one day I will be representing Canada in the Olympics!

SB: Since this is an interview for RaiseYourParents.com do you have any great tips for dealing with parents in general?
KG: Honestly, I’ve never really had problems with my parents. I’m an only child and from the get go we’ve always treated each other with respect. The worst thing I have ever done as a child is get cancer and that wasn’t even my fault. I never gave my parents a reason not to like me and in return my parents have never given me a reason to rebel against them. I think it all comes down to trust and respect and understanding of each other.

SB: You're a senior this year, what are your plans for next year?
KG: I’m taking a semester off to curl competitively and then I’ll be starting school in the New Year and majoring in creative writing at a local college.

SB: If you had to choose what you wanted to do for the rest of your life right this minute, what would you choose and why?
KG: That’s a really great question and I think I’d choose to be a writer. I’ve been telling stories since I was a child and being an author has always been something that I’ve dreamed of. My dream and goal is to be an award-winning author!

SB: Ahhh, you're a writer. Without giving away any specifics, can you tell us if you're writing anything now?
KG: Right now I’m working on a novel about my journey through cancer. It’s to raise awareness about teens and cancer and to also show that cancer isn’t something everyone dies from. Its something that looked at, the right way can be a huge life lesson.

SB: Anything else we should all know about Kayte Gyles?
KG: I’m insanely sarcastic, a total dreamer and my imagination is my best friend.

Want to support Kayte and Balding for Dollars? Donate here!

Ask Sarah B - You Ask, I Answer - Questions from Real Teenagers

Here's your weekly Ask Sarah B sesh. Remember if you want to ask a question and get some advice, you can email me at: AskSarahB@gmail.com

Question:
There is this guy I really like that rides my bus. Today when my friend and I were sitting on the bus he came over and asked to sit by us. My friend knows I like him so of course she said yes and she made him sit in the middle of us. But, word also got around and I think he knows I like him.

Also, to add to this mess he has a girlfriend. Anyways, he usually sits by another girl on the bus and the other girl sits on his legs. This annoys me because, obviously, I like him, and because he is going out with someone else.

Also, my older brother rides the bus so in these situations it makes it a little awkward. I don't know what I should do. Should I let him sit with me? What should I do about the girl that sits on his legs? Should I talk to him? I am really confused. HELP!!

- Andrea

Sarah Says:
Dear Andrea,
It sounds like you're in kind of a sticky situation with this guy. I think he's sending signals that he's interested - especially when he won't let you off the bus and tries to sit next to you. But then again, he has a girlfriend. Even if he is flirting with you and you like him back, do you want to be with someone who's flirting with other people when he's with you? It's a respect issue. He's not respecting you or his girlfriend.

I think you should play it safe and get to know him a little better. These bus rides sound like a good opportunity to become better friends and to find out what he's really like. And then maybe if he does become available, you'll feel like the time is right to make your move. And as for your brother being on the bus? I think brothers will always be brothers - they like to tease - so definitely just ignore it!

Let me know what happens over the next few weeks - I'll be eager to hear about your bus adventures!

xoxo
Sarah B

**Note: the names of all teenagers in the "Ask Sarah B" section have been changed to protect individual's privacy

CBS News talks to me about my book

Last week I went on CBS News "Up to the Minute" to talk about teen/parent relationships. (What else?)
I was on with host Meg Oliver, who is really cool and about to have her first baby. But seriously, you can't even tell. She was about to pop and when you see the segment she looks totally normal!

Sarah on the Radio

Last week I was on the radio show Walking on Air with Betsy and Sal with these two super funny moms, Betsy and Sal. It was one of the most lively interviews I've had because they both have teenagers! And actually, I was thinking that if I were one of their teenagers I would probably die of embarrassment because they were getting discussed on air.

I think my favorite moment in the interview was when Sal said that she and her teenage daughter took a road trip and her daughter made a mix of music for the ride. According to Sal, her daughter's taste in music was the worst part of the trip! I had to laugh because I remember trying to get my mom to listen to Alanis Morissette (her first album Jagged Little Pill came out when I was a sophomore and I still love it). Anyway, you would've thought I tried to make my mom listen to a soundtrack of dogs barking. She hated it! We finally made peace with one of my other favorites Carole King--my mom actually introduced me to Carole and now we're good old friends.

Back to Betsy and Sal--I have to say they must be pretty cool moms. (Note: if one of their kids reads this, email me so I can hear your side of the story!). They cracked me up so hard that at one point I worried I was going to choke on the radio! You can download their podcasts for free and check out their website for more about them, past shows, and other cool stuff.

Ask Sarah B - You Ask, I Answer - Questions from Real Teenagers

Here's your weekly Ask Sarah B sesh. Remember if you want to ask a question and get some advice, you can email me at: AskSarahB@gmail.com

Question:
My stepmom is always complaining about my music. She comes in my room and turns off my stereo and sometimes will pull my earphones out of my ears to check on what I'm listening to. She thinks all music that isn't like a choir or opera stuff is devil music. I listen to really good stuff but every time I tell her that she gets mad at me for talking back. What can I do?

- Melissa

Sarah Says:
Dear Melissa,
Music is one of those issues that some parents get really worked up about. I think the answer in your case, is to do some major music jam sessions with your stepmom. I don't mean actually going to a concert or anything (we're not there yet) but making her a mix of stuff that you think can ease her into your music.

The first step is figuring out exactly what she likes. Is it really opera? Then maybe she'd like Idina Menzel's new album (Idina made it big on Broadway with "Rent" and "Wicked" and has a truly amazing set of pipes.) Or what about some mellow country music? Carrie Underwood (the American Idol sweetheart) has a squeaky clean image and her new album is really good.

After you've figured out a few albums or songs that you think she'd like, make a mix and lend your stepmom your iPod for the day. Tell her you feel like you guys might not have such different tastes in music after all and that you made her a special mix. (Not many moms would turn that down.)

Then, when you get home from school, check in and see what she thought during the day. If she liked it then you're off to a killer start. If not, offer to listen to some of her stuff and try to get down to the bottom of why she likes it. Is it tune? Pace? The actual singers? Just taking the time to understand her will definitely earn you points when it comes to the next time she complains.

Good luck! And email me your playlist - I'm sure it will have some good stuff that I should check out too.

xoxo
Sarah B

**Note: the names of all teenagers in the "Ask Sarah B" section have been changed to protect individual's privacy

I'm going on the Today Show!

Yes, it's true. Yours truly is going to appear on the Today Show (yay!!) the morning of April 25th (Mark your calendars!) to talk about How to Raise Your Parents: A Teen Girl's Survival Guide. How cool is that?! I'll be on during the 9:00am hour and if I do say so myself, watching the segment is definitely a good reason to be a little late for school that morning. You have to watch so you can tell me what you think.

In other important news, now I have to figure out what to wear! A total dilemma. I was thinking about this dress but yellow isn't a great color for me and it's a freaking fortune. Any ideas? Help me, fashion gurus!

Ask Sarah B - You Ask, I Answer - Questions from Real Teenagers

This is the first of a recurring feature I'm going to do on my blog. I have tons of cool teenagers who email me with questions about their lives--everything from their parents getting divorced to dying their hair to telling they boy they like how they feel. And since I know a lot of you are wondering the same things, I'm going to share at least one question (and answer) a week. Here's the first of many...

Question:
So I like this boy and have for about 4 years! I know. I am in almost all his classes, I go to the same church...I see him everywhere. I am really afraid to tell him I like him myself. I don’t want to flat out ask him out, because then I will be heartbroken if he says no. I think he likes this other girl in my class but I am not sure. She like him, though, its so obvious. She is pretty and everything. I don’t know what to do.

Should I tell him I like him?
Should I try to forget him?
Get my friend to ask him?

 I am kinda shy so I don’t know if I would be able to tell him...
--Kelly

Sarah Says:
Kelly, It's great to hear from you! I'm so glad you wrote. I remember in High School and college, really crushing on boys and not knowing what the next step was. Sometimes I'd give out enough hints they'd end up asking me out, and sometimes nothing happened. I think in the end, the best way I handled it was when I was upfront with both myself and the guy and told him I was interested. I know there's no guarantee that it will work, in fact a lot of times it didn't work out at all for me. But there's something really liberating about knowing what you want, and asking for it. I can't promise he'll like you back, but I will say this, you won't regret a missed chance if you decide to take the risk and tell him how you feel. One thing to remember, if he can't recognize what a catch you are, you can do better anyway.

Good luck with however you play it. Let me know how it goes.
xoxo
Sarah B

**Note: the names of all teenagers in the "Ask Sarah B" section have been changed to protect individual's privacy

I'm on TV!!

I had my very first ever TV appearance on Wednesday and it's up online for the world to see. New York 1 News (a local New York City channel) had me on to talk about my book and how to bridge the gap between teens and parents. They let me pick the topics, so I chose music, driving, and expressing your personal style--all pretty big deals when it comes to parent/teen relationships. I have to say, it was really fun!

The host really wanted me to have props - "think of it like you're doing a show and tell for second graders," she said - so I brought a bunch of old records to show music from your parents' generation (Rolling Stones, the Beatles, Carol King, Bob Dylan) and CDs from the current top 40 (Carrie Underwood, Jack Johnson, Alicia Keyes, Chris Brown) to show that there's stuff from all generations. My point: your parents don't need to be freaked out about your music!

One funny thing, though. Since Grant has a big record collection, (all the records I showed on camera are his) he said I should definitely use "Sticky Fingers" one of the most iconic Rolling Stones covers ever to illustrate my point. The only problem? It a total crotch shot and the producers said that just wouldn't fly with parents. (It was named the number 1 album cover of all-time by VH1.)

I see where they're coming from (uhmm, who couldn't?!) because this album cover was totally scandalous when it came out. And let's be honest, it's still a little shocking but I think parents are less scandalized by record covers than the producers thought they would be. Would your mom or dad be shocked by this?

Not to mention, the coolest part of the album is that the original one has an actual zipper instead of just a picture. Grant (a total record geek!) keeps his wrapped in plastic. So it's actually a collector's item!

Did you hear me on the radio this morning?

This morning I was on San Francisco's "Don Bleu in the Morning" show on Star 101.3 FM to give some advice on teenagers and dating. And it was a total blast! I wish I could listen to the show every morning. Don, the host, is this super energetic guy and I'm not sure if he has kids or not, but he seemed really in tune with teenagers and parents in general.

They had me on because they got a listener email that basically said this...

Dear Don,
I need a little help from some other parents. I am a single dad and my 14-year old daughter wants to go on a date without a chaperone. This seems ludicrous, but she claims her friends have done it and it’s “no big deal.” I may be a little old fashioned, but 14 seems too young to date. In fact, I was planning on making her wait to date until 17. At what age should my daughter be allowed to date?
Sincerely,
A Worried Dad

First off, don't you love it that you can send in an email with a problem and they might really talk about it on air?! How cool is that?

And this one was perfect because it's a question that a lot of parents deal with. You know, when is too young to date? What's the norm for everyone else? That kind of stuff. But there are a few things you can do to ease your parents into dating:

1. Introduce them to your dates. Seriously, a little hello goes a long way when you're about to hit the town with some guy your dad's never met.
2. Tell them what you're doing. They don't need every single tiny detail, but are you going to a movie? Dinner? Give them the basics so they don't worry.
3. Keep your phone on so they can call if you if there's an emergency. (Note to parents: don't call if there isn't.)

Any other things you've found that work to ease your parents' minds when you're going out on a date? Do tell...

Why my life is like HBO's The Wire

I am addicted to the HBO show The Wire. I started watching it on Netflix and still have the entire final season (season 5) to go, but I think it’s the single best TV show I’ve ever watched. (Time magazine thinks so too.)

This isn’t my normal style of TV entertainment. It’s really gritty and some episodes are even gory. The characters are drug dealers and cops and addicts, but the genius of the show is that you see the human part of everyone. It’s not black or white—good or bad. There’s right and wrong in every situation, in every person. And that’s why it means something.

I’ve had a few times in my life when I’ve seen my own evil side. Like when I got mad at my sister and pushed her, and she knocked her head against the dresser and actually started bleeding. I don’t consider myself abusive or violent, but in that moment I was. I had no excuse.

How can you be honest with yourself about your “good” and “bad” traits? How can you keep your negative tendencies from taking over? There’s this kid, Michael, in the fourth season of the Wire and he’s an incredible person but then he just gives in to his situation, his dark side. (I won’t say more because I don’t want to give it away.) And even though the people in my life aren’t slinging drugs or carrying guns, we all have our own demons. How do you keep the demons at bay?

Are your parents spying on you?...This guy says they should be.

Yesterday, my friend forwarded me this New York Times column that raves about the benefits of computer spyware. The column basically suggests that the only way for parents today to keep a protective eye on their teenagers is to monitor every move they make online. One example was particularly shocking—a father who didn’t know his straight-A daughter was doing drugs and sleeping with her dealer, until he used spyware to check her online activity.

While I don’t know this father personally, I can’t help but think that he was probably ignoring other important signs that would have led him to these same discoveries. Maybe he wasn’t around enough to notice behavioral changes or maybe, unwilling to accept that his daughter might be involved in something unsavory, he chose to look past them. Either way, instead of dealing with his daughter directly, he chose to have spyware do his parenting for him.

When I was in high school, computers were only used for typing English papers—there was no MySpace, no chat rooms, no Google. I didn’t get my first email address until I was in college, already outside the grasp of any parental spyware programs. But those who think that lack of Internet equals teenage privacy don’t know my parents.

My parents used to drive me crazy. They waited up for me at night, making sure I came home in time for my curfew and made me come say goodnight in person (a rather obvious way to check my state of sobriety). They insisted on meeting my friends and boyfriends before I was allowed to go out, and to my embarrassment, they didn’t hesitate to ask where I was going, who was going to be there, and what we’d be doing, no matter who I was with. But with all their questions, they never spied on me. I was a pretty good teenager and decently open with my parents, but if I had suspected they were spying on me, I would've been much more secretive--even though I really didn't have anything to hide. After all, spying basically comes with the assumption that the spy-er doesn't trust the spy-ee.

I know what you parents are thinking...that even though many parents are still very involved in the day-to-day workings of their teenagers’ lives, the Internet can put teenagers at risk in ways not possible when I was in high school. I completely agree. It’s a haven for predators who want to mask their true intentions and lure unsuspecting “friends.” It’s a forum for immature teenagers to taunt and bully each other, uncensored by teachers and other adults. But while these things are dangerous and must be addressed by parents, it’s wrong to assume that spyware is the answer for safety. Spyware doesn’t set off an alarm when a pedophile enters a chatroom. It doesn’t alert anyone when a conversation edges on sexually inappropriate or when a bully starts instant messaging threats. So while a parent might have "ammunition" for a later confrontation or proof that their teenager is breaking some rule, in theory, it's already "too late." (This is not to say that you shouldn't be totally aware that there are crazies on the Internet--so be careful. OK, that's my big sister shout-out for today.)

Back to the pro-spyware column. I was especially interested in the part that said that says parents should practice “responsibility” and resist the urge to read every email and instant message their teenager sends. It’s a nice idea—thinking that the average parent has enough self-control to only spy on a portion of his or her child’s online activities—but unrealistic. It’s kind of like opening a candy bar, taking a small bite, and then wrapping it up and putting it back on the shelf knowing that you’ll never touch it again. Few of us, when tempted with the inner life of someone we know, have that kind of restraint. I'm an adult now, and if I had the chance to read my Mom's email, I'm pretty sure I would, although I probably wouldn't find anything other than recipes and emails about book club.

And not to knock parents, but even though most of them are pretty computer savvy, teenagers are almost always savvier. If your mom or dad secretly installs spyware, chances are you'll know it’s there long before your parents find anything incriminating. And then, instead of carrying on email and IM conversation on the family computer, you'll probably wait until you're at a friend’s house or the library. Am I right? And isn't that the opposite intention of spyware? So much for your parents getting the inside scoop...Instead you'll be spending even more time away from them.

I guess my point is that parents shouldn't be spying on their teenagers if they want to have good relationships with them. And by good relationships, I don't mean that they're best friends. I mean that they're involved and aware. Not to mention that spyware basically teaches teenagers that it's OK to "spy" on people they love if they think they're doing it out of love or because they want to protect someone. I can just see the headlines in 15 years...Spouses No Longer Talking Out Problems, Instead Use Internet to Watch Each Other. Not really the kind of inter-personal skills we want now, are they?

What's the most shocking thing you've ever done?

A few days ago, I had the first event for my book. It’s not officially out yet but the high school in Madison, CT, was having their annual “Family University Day” and they asked me to be their keynote speaker. A chance to speak to parents and teenagers? Let me think for a second. Uh, YES!

I was SO nervous. My first speech and it was in front of over 100 people. What if they didn’t laugh at my jokes? What if they didn’t buy my book? When I get nervous my stomach feels like I’ve just been on a roller coaster. Luckily, this roller coaster ended well. I talked for about 30 minutes and tons of people came up to me after to get books signed. I sold my very first book ever. It was such a high!

Before I officially gave my speech, I had lunch with some of the moms who organized the event. They were all really cool, and one of them said something that stuck with me. She said the best parenting advice she ever got was, “never act shocked by anything your teenager says.” What have you done or said that totally shocked your parents? How could you tell they were shocked? I think that if your parents act shocked by everything you’re less likely to talk to them. What do you think?

I'm in Teen Vogue!!

Really, I'm in there as an expert on mother-daughter relationships. It's the April issue and it just hit newsstands so if you don't have a subscription, you can get it at the drugstore or grocery store or bookstore (you see where I'm going with this). Anyway, not only does the magazine have some totally fab fashion, but the articles are really, really good. I am so excited to be in it. Between us, I was dying to get my hands on the real magazine so everyday last week, I went to about 5 newsstands around the Upper West Side where I live and asked if they got their new copies in that day. The guys behind the counter started to recognize me and by Thursday they would just look at me when I walked up to the counter and say, "Not yet--tomorrow. I promise." Finally, I got a copy last weekend and I devoured it cover-to-cover!!

So read the article and let me know what you think. Oh, and will you sign up for my Sarah Says newsletter? Pretty please? Just look in the upper right hand corner and sign on up. My newsletter has exclusive Q&As with teenagers, experts, and even an occasional cool give-away! And if you think of anything I should cover in my newsletter or in my blog, let me know. You really are the experts, you know!

Book Talk...Sarah on YouTube!

Here it is--my YouTube debut! If you wanted to know the back story of HOW TO RAISE YOUR PARENTS you came to the right place!