Yesterday, my friend forwarded me this New York Times column that raves about the benefits of computer spyware. The column basically suggests that the only way for parents today to keep a protective eye on their teenagers is to monitor every move they make online. One example was particularly shocking—a father who didn’t know his straight-A daughter was doing drugs and sleeping with her dealer, until he used spyware to check her online activity.
While I don’t know this father personally, I can’t help but think that he was probably ignoring other important signs that would have led him to these same discoveries. Maybe he wasn’t around enough to notice behavioral changes or maybe, unwilling to accept that his daughter might be involved in something unsavory, he chose to look past them. Either way, instead of dealing with his daughter directly, he chose to have spyware do his parenting for him.
When I was in high school, computers were only used for typing English papers—there was no MySpace, no chat rooms, no Google. I didn’t get my first email address until I was in college, already outside the grasp of any parental spyware programs. But those who think that lack of Internet equals teenage privacy don’t know my parents.
My parents used to drive me crazy. They waited up for me at night, making sure I came home in time for my curfew and made me come say goodnight in person (a rather obvious way to check my state of sobriety). They insisted on meeting my friends and boyfriends before I was allowed to go out, and to my embarrassment, they didn’t hesitate to ask where I was going, who was going to be there, and what we’d be doing, no matter who I was with. But with all their questions, they never spied on me. I was a pretty good teenager and decently open with my parents, but if I had suspected they were spying on me, I would've been much more secretive--even though I really didn't have anything to hide. After all, spying basically comes with the assumption that the spy-er doesn't trust the spy-ee.
I know what you parents are thinking...that even though many parents are still very involved in the day-to-day workings of their teenagers’ lives, the Internet can put teenagers at risk in ways not possible when I was in high school. I completely agree. It’s a haven for predators who want to mask their true intentions and lure unsuspecting “friends.” It’s a forum for immature teenagers to taunt and bully each other, uncensored by teachers and other adults. But while these things are dangerous and must be addressed by parents, it’s wrong to assume that spyware is the answer for safety. Spyware doesn’t set off an alarm when a pedophile enters a chatroom. It doesn’t alert anyone when a conversation edges on sexually inappropriate or when a bully starts instant messaging threats. So while a parent might have "ammunition" for a later confrontation or proof that their teenager is breaking some rule, in theory, it's already "too late." (This is not to say that you shouldn't be totally aware that there are crazies on the Internet--so be careful. OK, that's my big sister shout-out for today.)
Back to the pro-spyware column. I was especially interested in the part that said that says parents should practice “responsibility” and resist the urge to read every email and instant message their teenager sends. It’s a nice idea—thinking that the average parent has enough self-control to only spy on a portion of his or her child’s online activities—but unrealistic. It’s kind of like opening a candy bar, taking a small bite, and then wrapping it up and putting it back on the shelf knowing that you’ll never touch it again. Few of us, when tempted with the inner life of someone we know, have that kind of restraint. I'm an adult now, and if I had the chance to read my Mom's email, I'm pretty sure I would, although I probably wouldn't find anything other than recipes and emails about book club.
And not to knock parents, but even though most of them are pretty computer
savvy, teenagers are almost always savvier. If your mom or dad secretly
installs
spyware, chances are you'll know it’s there long before your parents
find anything incriminating. And then, instead of carrying on email and
IM conversation on the family computer, you'll probably wait until
you're at a
friend’s house or the library. Am I right? And isn't that the opposite
intention of spyware? So much for your parents getting the inside
scoop...Instead you'll be spending even more time away from them.
I guess my point is that parents shouldn't be spying on their teenagers if they want to have good relationships with them. And by good relationships, I don't mean that they're best friends. I mean that they're involved and aware. Not to mention that spyware basically teaches teenagers that it's OK to "spy" on people they love if they think they're doing it out of love or because they want to protect someone. I can just see the headlines in 15 years...Spouses No Longer Talking Out Problems, Instead Use Internet to Watch Each Other. Not really the kind of inter-personal skills we want now, are they?
